Sunday, December 13, 2009

New Moon

I went to see Twilight New Moon with a friend and some of her friends on opening night. In my defense, I had nothing else to do that night and didn't have to pay for the ticket. The movie was supposed to start at 7:30 so we decided to meet at the theater at 7. I left my place at 6:45, got to the theater at about 6:55, and had to wait another 5 minutes to find a parking spot. Our theater's parking lot has only one shared entrance/exit and it's a pain to get in before or after a movie. Opening nights are terrible and not worth going to.

I met with the ex and we went into the theater since her friends had gone in ahead of us. We went inside and I saw what I expected to see, a line full of teenage girls. Some of them with their mothers. As we were walking around looking for her friends a ticket-checker walked up to us and checked our tickets. They told us to go ahead and skip the line. I thought it rather funny to walk straight past 30 or 40 people. Her friends saw us near the room that New Moon was playing in so we went in and got seats.

The room was packed 30 minutes before the movie was supposed to come on. That's probably the longest I've sat in a theater waiting on a movie. I noticed that I was one of three men in the place. In the scene where Jacob took his shirt off all the women cheered and I swear the whole room got moist. If a theater full of men did that a feminist group would shit themselves with rage.

There isn't really much to say about the movie that hasn't been said. Edward is a stalkerish douche that treats Bella like he doesn't give a shit about her. He does creepy shit like staring at Bella while she sleeps and going through her room while she's not home. At one point he throws her through a table. And she's cool with all of that. Apparently a lot of young girls are going to grow up thinking that's what a relationship is supposed to be like. The other douche in the movie, Jacob, is a complete tool as well. Bella cock-teases him throughout the whole movie, telling him she won't be with him but he should keep trying to get with her anyway. Why not tell him you just want to be friends? Bitch. Jacob is a werewolf who spends the movie running around in the woods with a bunch of guys, all dressed in shorts and nothing else. I guess that's not gay to Mormons who write books.

Bella has no personality of her own aside from being selfish. She's a rather boring person and doesn't do anything but sit around all day staring out the window and not giving a shit about anyone but herself. She calls her father by his name like that's a cool thing to do.

I'm convinced that Stephanie Meyer never read anything about vampires before deciding to write her books. Vampires sparkle in the sunlight? What kind of bullshit is that? And running water doesn't phase them either.

I was bored one night and asked a friend to go to the movies. She has read the books and thinks they're just as stupid as I do, but they're fun to make fun of. She hadn't seen the movie yet so I went with her. It was nice to have someone to trash talk the movie with this time around, even though I think I was still the only one to laugh when Bella got thrown through the table and when she bumped her head on a rock and passed out underwater.

New Moon is worth watching if your power is out and it's the only movie playing in the theater. Otherwise I'd try to find something better to watch. Which is anything.

There is a pretty humorous post describing why the fourth and final book should be made into a movie here.

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